In Love with Life in Paris

Just as every other human being who walks along this planet encounters hard times, makes mistakes, and gets overwhelmed, I do also. However, no matter how many things I critique myself on or mistakes I make that come back to haunt me, making me wish to be in my big gold bed with hot cocoa and my best friend, I am still here. Today, I discovered what exactly it is that makes it all worthwhile.
It happened when I was sitting in an overstuffed chair in the living room with Etienne leaning against me, reading a book together titled "How Do Dinosaurs Learn Colors and Number?" He was sleepy and I was calm, and he confused a few of the colors and asked me the names of each type of dinosaur on every page. Then came the numbers, and he recognized them all. He counted perfectly. Over and over, every time, he got it exactly right. It may sound small and insignificant in the adult world that most of us have gotten accustomed to, but for me, this was an incredibly proud moment. After the past months of practicing numbers, colors, and letters together, it has all clicked in his brain and stuck in his memory. Less than an hour later, we were hiding from the "sharks" on his play rug, and he told me he loved me. Afterwards, we read a book about sharks and rays, and he pointed at a lot of different letters telling me what they're called and who's names he knows that start with them. The amount of joy that came from all of this, how great it felt to see the results of teaching him, the trust he's found in me, are worth every tear, every scream, and every homesick moment.
Taking a step back from myself and my frustrations, I can appreciate the life I've found here. The friends I have made are good and interesting human beings, and I adore being able to relax with them. The places I have gone to are places I never want to forget.
Drinking champagne on the bus ride to Amsterdam and laughing through the hours of the ride. Seeing old windmills still standing, and architecture that inspired Walt Disney himself. Screaming at the surprises in "The Dungeon," and smiling with wax celebrities for hours. Letting my jaw drop in the face of Van Gough's original works from his various travels and periods. Singing "Rent" at the top of my lungs in the Red Light District and laughing at cartoon animal shapes in the condom shop window. Finishing a cup of fresh coffee while trying on and then purchasing perfect and pink glitter-coated high heels.
Upon my return from that weekend in Amsterdam, I enjoyed my many laughs with the family in Paris, ice-skating downtown on Friday night, and then spending the following evening at Angela's house to enjoy eating pizza, making ourselves up, going out to dance through the morning, and sleeping in until I finally felt rested enough. During Ali's last night, we drank champagne and ate sugary treats and talked for hours with a few of her close friends until the night turned into the morning and we were forced to say good-bye.
Before my parents came for Christmas, I let myself finally have an entire day doing absolutely nothing and taking my first bath in four months. When they arrived, exhausted but excited, I was ecstatic to see them again. We got to be tourists in the city and see the Arc de Triomphe and walk the Champs Elysses together. We braved the cold to wait in line for the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame. We sifted through the old stone streets of the Latin Quarter and ate in a French restaurant where I learned how to eat snails. We saw the church of Saint Chapelle and climbed the stairs to the Sacre Coeur, and saw the Parthenon and Archeological Crypte. An evening was passed on a bateaux mouche night tour through the Seine River. At the Louvre, I got to see Mona Lisa herself, and was overwhelmed by the beauty that the art and architecture embodied.
In the meals we shared at the house and time passed in our rental car during our German voyage, we got to just exist together, catch up and share plans. Seeing Nina felt so amazing after all these months, and I still believe that her mother is one of the kindest people I'll ever meet. My parents got introduced to the city of Oldenburg, and I got to see it all again and reminisce the fun I had there in August. On New Year's Eve, we melted metal and threw it into a big bowl of water to form a shape that tells us our fortune for the new year. We let ourselves forget about the imperfections of reality and get caught up and light fireworks in the street. Nina and I danced the night away and the slept away half of the next day. Barbara and Johannes, her parents, cooked sausages and sauerkraut and spatzle, and it was all wonderful. Walking through a little old village with her grandmother was also wonderful. In fact, the entire experience was absolutely wonderful, (with the exception of missing our bus to get there and getting lost several times during our not-so-mini road trip.)
Saying good-bye is always difficult, and not knowing when I would see anyone again made it even harder, but we made it through the morning in Oldenburg and cried through our farewell at the airport.
Even though I have to bear the distance from the ones I love for several more months, I know it is all going to be more than okay, and very worthwhile. I know I've messed up with skipping school and making the easy choices instead of the right choices sometimes, but I have to be doing something right, because the little boy I play with every day listens to me. He can count and recognize letters and he loves me.
I am already starting to realize how much I don't want to leave this city or this family. Marie is the best host mother I could have wished for, and my job is far more rewarding than I had anticipated. When Regis tries to look out for me, and Xavier helps me make cookies and cupcakes while Guillaume eats the batter and tells me jokes, I feel like I'm a part of the family. At the end of the day, when I've done a really good job and Laurent looks at me with a smile before we say good-night, it's great. This place and these people are extraordinary, and I am completely in love with them and the life I now have in this, the city of my dreams that is Paris.

Words of Wisdom

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever acheive greatly."
~Robert Francis Kennedy

From Amsterdam to Paris

The past weeks have been almost TOO eventful, and I've certainly found plenty of ways to keep myself busy. The trimester is now over, my Christmas cards should be getting to America right about now, I spent a lot of time with friends and even visited Amsterdam with a few of them last weekend, and now my parents are going to arrive in a mere matter of days! Then, next week, we're going to go stay with Nina for New Year's!!
Things are going well, on the whole, and I really feel like I have a true second home here. My job, aside from long hours, is fabulous, and I've completely fallen in love with the little boy. I love having friends, too. That's really REALLY nice.

Thanksgiving with Mom

Things have finally started to seem manageable over the past week and a half, and I am absolutely positive that spending time with my mom and enjoying some time off with her has played a huge role in that.
I met her with a taxi at the airport on Wednesday, and we retreated to the house for a little tour, some freshening up, and a homemade lunch from Marie with the family. I showed her the cute little streets in the neighborhood, she met Marie's mom, Annie, and we had a mini-tour of the Champs-Elysses at the end of the night in her car, stopping for a few minutes to watch the Eiffel Tower sparkle on the hour. We both slept incredibly well, and we continued to check out little streets and shops over the following days. We visited the Notre Dame garden, the Latin Quarter, the Champs-Elysses Christmas market, and enjoyed our fair share of crepes and cappuccinos. Saturday morning, we made bread and pies with Marie, and then went out into the city and I showed her my favorite shop and introduced her to some of my friends. Sunday morning was spent asleep, with a few hours of market-browsing which resulted in my purchase of a very cute pair of new suede gloves with bows on them, and then back to the house to prepare and enjoy a Thanksgiving feast! Everyone adored it, and we cheated a little and had some French pastries with the pumpkin pie.
My mom and I also did a little bit of Christmas planning, and we re-arranged my little basement apartment to make it feel more like MY home, and I absolutely adore it. I'm so lucky to have my own little place, and it's incredibly cute to boot!
I went to the airport with Mom on Monday for the 1 30 flight, sending her off with a full suitcase of things I asked her to bring back to America for me, as well as lots of love and a few sentimental tears.
Since then, I've recommenced my regular work schedule and somehow managed to keep my place clean. I'm still working on my seemingly eternal to-do list, and Ali and I realized that we didn't have nearly enough time for planning our weekend appropriately, and will be leaving on an overnight bus next Friday instead of this one. I've decided that this is a good thing, because it gives me an entire weekend free to finish my to-do list, get my Christmas shopping done, and prepare my cards and gifts to be sent away with plenty of time in advance. Then, I get to go ice skating tomorrow night with Ali and some others, and go out with Sophia and Carla Saturday.
December is going to be a fabulous month -- I've decided.

All Over the Place

I've been in my room, restless with anxiety into the wee hours of the morning, and about the city, from Disneyland to bars and dance clubs. Regardless of my location, I've yet to be able to get some sleep prior to three am, and I end up skipping classes because I know that I'll never be able to catch any real shut-eye otherwise. One moment, I'm excited as a little kid in Disney with new friends, no parents, and the week's pay in my bag, and another moment I'm absolutely convinced that I'm about to burst at the seams I'm falling apart so fast. Then I meet some one to share pasta and frustrations with, and it's a little more bearable -- until I'm all alone again.

That's just how it's been.

Fortunately, I have some really great parents out there who let me vent to them at all hours, and my crazy/wonderful mother is about to join me on this side of the Atlantic in less than twelve hours. I believe this to be a very positive event, and also one which I'm hoping will bring me out of this awful slump and make me feel much more worth-while and much less restless.



"Finish each day and be done with it…You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Absolute Insanity

Sore throat, some very long days, making plans, and experiencing the widest range of emotions possible. For a single instant, I feel pure bliss, but before the moment even gets a fighting chance, it becomes a fleeting feeling chased away by growing anxiety. Even when I stop to think on all my good fortune, my mind does not cease its stirring.
The night before last, it all hit me. All those who've been through an experience like this, they gave me a fair warning about how hard and suddenly the new reality comes crashing down, with no warning. I can't describe it, but now I know what they were speaking of.
I'm a fortunate girl, but all to often a lonely and confused one, who questions and ponders absolutely everything. More than anything else, I question myself. I came here to discover a life away from what I know, and find myself trying desperately to rediscover what I thought I knew. Ultimately, I am a person who thinks and explores, but who can rarely say that she truly knows.

Recent Adventures

From the Eiffel Tower and the Sistine Chapel to running around Paris with friends and making plans with family, not to mention getting all hyped up over the election, I have had an abundance of adventures throughout the short time frame of a mere two weeks.
My Saturday in Paris was practically perfect. It began with a late morning, long shower, and a couple of hours that seemed to exist for the sole purpose of my private enjoyment. After donning a fabulous and fashionable attire well-suited for perusing the city streets, I did a little down-town shopping and met Carla and Laura at the metro to ascend the most iconic symbol of Paris. It was exciting, with a view that was slightly fogged but stunning nevertheless. Following our decent was a trip to Starbucks, where I enjoyed my first mocha and cheesecake in many months, and then checked out the rest of the shopping center it was located in. We ended the evening with spaghetti, coffee, and one of my favorite movies in my little apartment.
It was the first time that I've had anyone over to my place here, and it made me thoroughly appreciate having my own space to come in and go out as I please, separate from the ongoings of the rest of the house, where I can cook, bathe, and play hostess in my own space. I truly believe that I'm one of the lucky ones.
After the girls left for the night, I finished my laundry and packing for Rome, and took off the next morning with the family. The place we stayed was very comfortable, and the sights were some of the most beautiful that one could expect to see in an entire lifetime. I babysat for a very large percentage of my time there, as expected, but I had the great fortune of seeing the Roman Forum, Colosseum, Vatican, Sistine Chapel, and countless basilicas. In addition, the Italian architecture on any given street is straight out of an old Hollywood film, lush with greenery and life on every corner of the narrow stone streets, and a starving musician in front of a bistro never far away.
I am now certain that I am one of the lucky ones.
The past days have been long but rewarding, and I'll forever cherish the memories in the making of tickle-war laughter and and smiling faces smothered in maple syrup. The brief moments of pure bliss when I feel the warmth of a toddler next to me, smiling at the tales of Dr. Suess, or when I find myself going back in time and playing monsters without any inhibitions, are by far worth every second of homesickness and frustration that I face.
The night of the election was far more bountiful in online news-reading in bed than any actual rest, as the time difference caused me to wait for the results until the wee hours of the morning before allowing myself to place my head on the pillow and close my eyes. Even considering the late hour of my repose, I awoke while the house was still asleep, too excited to lie still any longer. Instead, pancakes and cookies became my cathartic release of enthusiastic celebration for America's future, the one that I voted for.
The evening came to a quiet close with Marie's mother present for a visit, and I was invited to go out for a few hours of music, conversation, and cocktails with new friends. My return home was just before one, and I slipped into cozy pajamas and ate a bowl of cereal in front of the computer.
My mom and I had been talking about the possibility of her paying a visit to me for Thanksgiving, seeing as the family would like to continue celebrating the America holiday they so enjoyed during their time in New York, and my mother has the typical school vacation time off for the big day. Soon after mentioning to Marie, telling her that the main obstacle is financial, she checked out the price of the flight for herself and offered to split the cost in exchange for a lesson on cooking a traditional Thanksgiving dinner! I immediately sent a message to my mom, and she told me that she wouldn't know for sure until the next day, which was last night. She is officially booking an overnight flight for the Tuesday before the big day, and will arrive in Paris to visit, cook, and enjoy with me and my fabulous French family.
I am truly one of the lucky ones.