All Over the Place

I've been in my room, restless with anxiety into the wee hours of the morning, and about the city, from Disneyland to bars and dance clubs. Regardless of my location, I've yet to be able to get some sleep prior to three am, and I end up skipping classes because I know that I'll never be able to catch any real shut-eye otherwise. One moment, I'm excited as a little kid in Disney with new friends, no parents, and the week's pay in my bag, and another moment I'm absolutely convinced that I'm about to burst at the seams I'm falling apart so fast. Then I meet some one to share pasta and frustrations with, and it's a little more bearable -- until I'm all alone again.

That's just how it's been.

Fortunately, I have some really great parents out there who let me vent to them at all hours, and my crazy/wonderful mother is about to join me on this side of the Atlantic in less than twelve hours. I believe this to be a very positive event, and also one which I'm hoping will bring me out of this awful slump and make me feel much more worth-while and much less restless.



"Finish each day and be done with it…You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Absolute Insanity

Sore throat, some very long days, making plans, and experiencing the widest range of emotions possible. For a single instant, I feel pure bliss, but before the moment even gets a fighting chance, it becomes a fleeting feeling chased away by growing anxiety. Even when I stop to think on all my good fortune, my mind does not cease its stirring.
The night before last, it all hit me. All those who've been through an experience like this, they gave me a fair warning about how hard and suddenly the new reality comes crashing down, with no warning. I can't describe it, but now I know what they were speaking of.
I'm a fortunate girl, but all to often a lonely and confused one, who questions and ponders absolutely everything. More than anything else, I question myself. I came here to discover a life away from what I know, and find myself trying desperately to rediscover what I thought I knew. Ultimately, I am a person who thinks and explores, but who can rarely say that she truly knows.

Recent Adventures

From the Eiffel Tower and the Sistine Chapel to running around Paris with friends and making plans with family, not to mention getting all hyped up over the election, I have had an abundance of adventures throughout the short time frame of a mere two weeks.
My Saturday in Paris was practically perfect. It began with a late morning, long shower, and a couple of hours that seemed to exist for the sole purpose of my private enjoyment. After donning a fabulous and fashionable attire well-suited for perusing the city streets, I did a little down-town shopping and met Carla and Laura at the metro to ascend the most iconic symbol of Paris. It was exciting, with a view that was slightly fogged but stunning nevertheless. Following our decent was a trip to Starbucks, where I enjoyed my first mocha and cheesecake in many months, and then checked out the rest of the shopping center it was located in. We ended the evening with spaghetti, coffee, and one of my favorite movies in my little apartment.
It was the first time that I've had anyone over to my place here, and it made me thoroughly appreciate having my own space to come in and go out as I please, separate from the ongoings of the rest of the house, where I can cook, bathe, and play hostess in my own space. I truly believe that I'm one of the lucky ones.
After the girls left for the night, I finished my laundry and packing for Rome, and took off the next morning with the family. The place we stayed was very comfortable, and the sights were some of the most beautiful that one could expect to see in an entire lifetime. I babysat for a very large percentage of my time there, as expected, but I had the great fortune of seeing the Roman Forum, Colosseum, Vatican, Sistine Chapel, and countless basilicas. In addition, the Italian architecture on any given street is straight out of an old Hollywood film, lush with greenery and life on every corner of the narrow stone streets, and a starving musician in front of a bistro never far away.
I am now certain that I am one of the lucky ones.
The past days have been long but rewarding, and I'll forever cherish the memories in the making of tickle-war laughter and and smiling faces smothered in maple syrup. The brief moments of pure bliss when I feel the warmth of a toddler next to me, smiling at the tales of Dr. Suess, or when I find myself going back in time and playing monsters without any inhibitions, are by far worth every second of homesickness and frustration that I face.
The night of the election was far more bountiful in online news-reading in bed than any actual rest, as the time difference caused me to wait for the results until the wee hours of the morning before allowing myself to place my head on the pillow and close my eyes. Even considering the late hour of my repose, I awoke while the house was still asleep, too excited to lie still any longer. Instead, pancakes and cookies became my cathartic release of enthusiastic celebration for America's future, the one that I voted for.
The evening came to a quiet close with Marie's mother present for a visit, and I was invited to go out for a few hours of music, conversation, and cocktails with new friends. My return home was just before one, and I slipped into cozy pajamas and ate a bowl of cereal in front of the computer.
My mom and I had been talking about the possibility of her paying a visit to me for Thanksgiving, seeing as the family would like to continue celebrating the America holiday they so enjoyed during their time in New York, and my mother has the typical school vacation time off for the big day. Soon after mentioning to Marie, telling her that the main obstacle is financial, she checked out the price of the flight for herself and offered to split the cost in exchange for a lesson on cooking a traditional Thanksgiving dinner! I immediately sent a message to my mom, and she told me that she wouldn't know for sure until the next day, which was last night. She is officially booking an overnight flight for the Tuesday before the big day, and will arrive in Paris to visit, cook, and enjoy with me and my fabulous French family.
I am truly one of the lucky ones.

All At Once

I'm in Paris, with a million and twelve thoughts racing through my being, and searching for the words to express all of them. It's exciting, and I'm learning a lot, about everything.
About people, about the French government, about European cultures, about fashion, about language, and about who I am through who I know I am not. I'm not some ugly un-educated American, and I'm not a graceful and put-together Parisian either. I don't keep regular schedules, I'm selfish with my teddy bear, and I always want to fix everything. It's not much, what I know for sure, but it's something, and I'm able to find some solace in the quiet hours spent alone, with my diary, when I can openly admit to everything, getting to know myself.
During the this time of learning, I'm also doing a lot. My last visit to the prefecture was disappointing, and I'm starting to take the idea of writing a book about all the things no one ever tells you seriously...
Also, school's been going well, for the most part, in spite of my eternal hatred towards my alarm clock and my constant battle with the snooze button. This past weekend, I went on an excursion to Bourgogne with the school. I learned a lot about wine, made new friends, saw how gorgeous the countryside vineyards truly are, and started planning a trip to Amsterdam with one of the girls I met. It was a fabulous mini-vacation, and the girl who I shared a room with is going to go up the Eiffel Tower with me tomorrow. Both socially and psychologically, it was exactly what I needed.
The first half of this week was exhausting, and I worked a lot, but today, I finally have a couple of hours just for myself to do all the little things that are always there, or to do absolutely nothing. Things are going in a promising direction, and my weekend is looking fabulous: No classes tomorrow (Friday) morning, drinks after work with a girl from school, being a huge tourist and going up the Eiffel Tower Saturday, and our departure for Rome Sunday morning.
Honestly, I have no idea what to expect in Rome, how much I'll work, or what I'll get to see, but none of that really matters to me, not now. Simply knowing that I'll rest my head in one of the world's most beautiful cities for a whole week is more than enough for me.
It's strange, how, last week I felt as though my new world was about to crash in on me, and how, right now, it seems to be opening up to me. All of the annoying, horrible, beautiful, wonderful, confusing, fabulous things and events are happening all at once.

Recent Highlights

I've been getting things done lately. I got the last of my voting papers in the mail, and completed and shipped them immediately, and worked on my self-assigned to-do list. It's half done, which is a huge accomplishment for me! It included things like sewing a few minor tears in clothing, getting myself set up with a cell phone, and getting my mini-fridge stocked with healthy snacks. All of my initial paperwork is pretty much done, and I'm just waiting for my year-long subway pass to come in the mail, and get my official application for my residency permit taken care of, which I should be able to do on Friday morning.
It feels really good to prove to myself that I really can do all of this, on my own, without anyone else having to coax me along my way. Sometimes, I even get up in the morning WITHOUT hitting the snooze button, and if you know me well, you know what a huge accomplishment it is that I can be responsible at 6 am! Even though I don't enjoy following through with all the responsible things that I know I should do, I'm forcing myself to do them, knowing that it will (hopefully) be worth it afterwards.
With school starting, I feel like I know what to expect a little bit more. My schedule and the course outlines are definite and given, and the people there are in similar situations as I am, and I can meet people easily. I haven't hung out with anyone yet, but I just got my phone Monday and figured out how to use it properly and what my access codes are today, so I can exchange numbers with the girls I've been talking to tomorrow, and see if we can do something this weekend. I'm probably going to the American Church again on Sunday, too.
My classes themselves are going to teach me a lot, I think. I'm studying, even though I don't technically have to, to make sure I absorb as much of the language as possible. My history class is more difficult than I expected, and I'm the youngest person in both classes, so I think I have less experience than most of the others. Still, my work ethic is strong, and I'm making sure it stays strong, and I'm hoping that will help me catch up. I started reading a children's guide to French history, taking notes on the words I don't know as well as the major things that I think might be important. My hope is that it will simultaneously improve my vocabulary and give me a basic understanding of the history, which is a really important part of the culture here.
Most of what's been going on with me here has been more internal than cultural, like my revolutionary change in the level of self-discipline I use and the baby steps I'm taking to be the person I want to become. Sure, the language and cultural understanding have been gradually making process, but it's the self-discovery that's consuming me the most lately. My journal is already half full of my many contemplations and questionings about what's important and what and who it is that I'm being molded into... which I have decided is a good thing.
For my final note, let me share with you the short and interesting conversation I had with Laurent a few hours ago:
I was watching a dubbed Grey's Anatomy rerun in my room, finishing up some writing for the evening, and he knocked on my door. When I opened it, he asked me for my date of birth, and told me that they were ordering tickets for the family vacation at the end of the month. First, he commented on how young I am, which he apparently hadn't really realized prior to hearing me say "1990," and then told me "We've decided to go to Rome." Then he said goodnight and closed the door.
I'm going to ROME! Okay, I'll be baby-sitting in Rome while the rest of the family does adult-like things every night, but, I'm still going to Rome! I'd casually mention it, like Laurent did, but I'm a young, poor, excited American who's just starting to get out of the country, and I get to go to Rome, and without having to worry about how to pay for it!

ROME! That's a super-happy thought! :-)

Take Note!

I added a few links to my sidebar -->
I'll be putting my photos into the photobucket, which you can click on and check out at any given time! I'm uploading as I type... so all the pics from Oldenburg to Paris are going up. Eventually, they'll even be organized and stuff, too!

What I'm Learning From All This...

Okay, so, I'm in the most beautiful city I've ever seen and have always dreamed of with a wonderful host family, surrounded by people who are very kind and considerate of me, regardless of how little we know of each other. I'm one of the lucky ones, and yet, culture shock and homesickness seem to enter my new life with great ease. The lack of comforts I know, in combination with all the abundance of unfamiliar details surrounding me, has absolutely overwhelmed me at times. The different bed , new schedule, language barrier, and all the minor changes in culture and lifestyle all add up in exciting and overwhelming ways I've never before experienced, somehow simultaneously more inspiring and more frustrating than everything else I can remember.
And you know what's been happening inside my mind while all this has been going on? I've over-thought, over-emoted, and over-reacted over the negative side of things, and let myself sit and cry and eat too much junk food, trying to sleep as late as possible every morning because sleep is comforting, and facing each day is exhausting. Oftentimes, it's also incredibly exhilarating, however, as a "morgenmuffel" (the German term for a person who is very grumpy in the mornings,) I am almost never positive about anything throughout the entire "waking up" part of my day, and stress makes me an even bigger morgenmuffel. Then, at the end of the day, I can't get myself to sleep and I end up spending too much time making online contact with my American life, eating chocolate on the laptop, and working myself up over the things I should have done after it's far too late at night to do anything about it!
And, you know what I should have done all this time? Sucked up the anxiety and perpetual hatred of my alarm clock, gotten out of the house, and gone out to accomplish something every day. Going to international places, such as the American Church in Paris and the University of Paris, and introducing myself to new places and attending workshops are things I should have started doing my first week here. It wasn't until yesterday that I went to the American Church, and there, I was welcomed and met a group of college students that I had a lot in common with, and really enjoyed being around. If I had done that three weeks ago, my weekends could have felt a lot less lonely. Then, this morning, while waiting to meet with some one about obtaining my residency permit, I read about weekend programs and meetings for college students to get together and work on art and poetry, and things like that. Why didn't I go to the university's international office and look for things like that in the beginning? Also, I read about how having a regular sleep schedule and nighttime and morning routines takes a lot of stress off your body and makes you feel more rested and energized every day. I'm sure I knew that, but why didn't I acknowledge this before?
Plus, I felt like a lost American that no one knows what to do with ALL MORNING. I spent many hours searching various offices in the city, all of which I was referred to by the previous office, until I ultimately ended up waiting in line to talk to a woman who told me that I need to get more papers, and go through a long application process. Lesson learned there? Patience, planning, allotting extra time, and drinking lattes are all very useful tools when it comes to handling official international affairs. I am incredibly appreciative of my visa not running up for a couple more months right now. Between this and the constant complications and extra things I had to go through before I got here with papers, forms, certificates, translations, my visa, registrations, etc., I think I should write a guide on how to do this, and begin by telling the world not to expect a cake walk and to allot themselves at least six months before their departure to gather all their papers and go through all the applications and registrations. If I ever do something like this again, I'm definitely going to be more efficient, and I'm going to try and get a long-stay visa a couple months before I leave America.
So, I guess there is a sort of moral to my estranged tale. When we go after something, we need to make preparations and use wise planning, and then use the power we hold within us to endure through all of the inevitable complications we encounter. And, ultimately, we need to realize the importance of truly making the best of our situations, which is not an easy task by any means. Sometimes, we literally need to force ourselves to and force ourselves to make the best of our situation no matter how many seemingly legitimate reasons and excuses we can think of to sit in bed and sulk.