From Amsterdam to Paris

The past weeks have been almost TOO eventful, and I've certainly found plenty of ways to keep myself busy. The trimester is now over, my Christmas cards should be getting to America right about now, I spent a lot of time with friends and even visited Amsterdam with a few of them last weekend, and now my parents are going to arrive in a mere matter of days! Then, next week, we're going to go stay with Nina for New Year's!!
Things are going well, on the whole, and I really feel like I have a true second home here. My job, aside from long hours, is fabulous, and I've completely fallen in love with the little boy. I love having friends, too. That's really REALLY nice.

Thanksgiving with Mom

Things have finally started to seem manageable over the past week and a half, and I am absolutely positive that spending time with my mom and enjoying some time off with her has played a huge role in that.
I met her with a taxi at the airport on Wednesday, and we retreated to the house for a little tour, some freshening up, and a homemade lunch from Marie with the family. I showed her the cute little streets in the neighborhood, she met Marie's mom, Annie, and we had a mini-tour of the Champs-Elysses at the end of the night in her car, stopping for a few minutes to watch the Eiffel Tower sparkle on the hour. We both slept incredibly well, and we continued to check out little streets and shops over the following days. We visited the Notre Dame garden, the Latin Quarter, the Champs-Elysses Christmas market, and enjoyed our fair share of crepes and cappuccinos. Saturday morning, we made bread and pies with Marie, and then went out into the city and I showed her my favorite shop and introduced her to some of my friends. Sunday morning was spent asleep, with a few hours of market-browsing which resulted in my purchase of a very cute pair of new suede gloves with bows on them, and then back to the house to prepare and enjoy a Thanksgiving feast! Everyone adored it, and we cheated a little and had some French pastries with the pumpkin pie.
My mom and I also did a little bit of Christmas planning, and we re-arranged my little basement apartment to make it feel more like MY home, and I absolutely adore it. I'm so lucky to have my own little place, and it's incredibly cute to boot!
I went to the airport with Mom on Monday for the 1 30 flight, sending her off with a full suitcase of things I asked her to bring back to America for me, as well as lots of love and a few sentimental tears.
Since then, I've recommenced my regular work schedule and somehow managed to keep my place clean. I'm still working on my seemingly eternal to-do list, and Ali and I realized that we didn't have nearly enough time for planning our weekend appropriately, and will be leaving on an overnight bus next Friday instead of this one. I've decided that this is a good thing, because it gives me an entire weekend free to finish my to-do list, get my Christmas shopping done, and prepare my cards and gifts to be sent away with plenty of time in advance. Then, I get to go ice skating tomorrow night with Ali and some others, and go out with Sophia and Carla Saturday.
December is going to be a fabulous month -- I've decided.

All Over the Place

I've been in my room, restless with anxiety into the wee hours of the morning, and about the city, from Disneyland to bars and dance clubs. Regardless of my location, I've yet to be able to get some sleep prior to three am, and I end up skipping classes because I know that I'll never be able to catch any real shut-eye otherwise. One moment, I'm excited as a little kid in Disney with new friends, no parents, and the week's pay in my bag, and another moment I'm absolutely convinced that I'm about to burst at the seams I'm falling apart so fast. Then I meet some one to share pasta and frustrations with, and it's a little more bearable -- until I'm all alone again.

That's just how it's been.

Fortunately, I have some really great parents out there who let me vent to them at all hours, and my crazy/wonderful mother is about to join me on this side of the Atlantic in less than twelve hours. I believe this to be a very positive event, and also one which I'm hoping will bring me out of this awful slump and make me feel much more worth-while and much less restless.



"Finish each day and be done with it…You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Absolute Insanity

Sore throat, some very long days, making plans, and experiencing the widest range of emotions possible. For a single instant, I feel pure bliss, but before the moment even gets a fighting chance, it becomes a fleeting feeling chased away by growing anxiety. Even when I stop to think on all my good fortune, my mind does not cease its stirring.
The night before last, it all hit me. All those who've been through an experience like this, they gave me a fair warning about how hard and suddenly the new reality comes crashing down, with no warning. I can't describe it, but now I know what they were speaking of.
I'm a fortunate girl, but all to often a lonely and confused one, who questions and ponders absolutely everything. More than anything else, I question myself. I came here to discover a life away from what I know, and find myself trying desperately to rediscover what I thought I knew. Ultimately, I am a person who thinks and explores, but who can rarely say that she truly knows.

Recent Adventures

From the Eiffel Tower and the Sistine Chapel to running around Paris with friends and making plans with family, not to mention getting all hyped up over the election, I have had an abundance of adventures throughout the short time frame of a mere two weeks.
My Saturday in Paris was practically perfect. It began with a late morning, long shower, and a couple of hours that seemed to exist for the sole purpose of my private enjoyment. After donning a fabulous and fashionable attire well-suited for perusing the city streets, I did a little down-town shopping and met Carla and Laura at the metro to ascend the most iconic symbol of Paris. It was exciting, with a view that was slightly fogged but stunning nevertheless. Following our decent was a trip to Starbucks, where I enjoyed my first mocha and cheesecake in many months, and then checked out the rest of the shopping center it was located in. We ended the evening with spaghetti, coffee, and one of my favorite movies in my little apartment.
It was the first time that I've had anyone over to my place here, and it made me thoroughly appreciate having my own space to come in and go out as I please, separate from the ongoings of the rest of the house, where I can cook, bathe, and play hostess in my own space. I truly believe that I'm one of the lucky ones.
After the girls left for the night, I finished my laundry and packing for Rome, and took off the next morning with the family. The place we stayed was very comfortable, and the sights were some of the most beautiful that one could expect to see in an entire lifetime. I babysat for a very large percentage of my time there, as expected, but I had the great fortune of seeing the Roman Forum, Colosseum, Vatican, Sistine Chapel, and countless basilicas. In addition, the Italian architecture on any given street is straight out of an old Hollywood film, lush with greenery and life on every corner of the narrow stone streets, and a starving musician in front of a bistro never far away.
I am now certain that I am one of the lucky ones.
The past days have been long but rewarding, and I'll forever cherish the memories in the making of tickle-war laughter and and smiling faces smothered in maple syrup. The brief moments of pure bliss when I feel the warmth of a toddler next to me, smiling at the tales of Dr. Suess, or when I find myself going back in time and playing monsters without any inhibitions, are by far worth every second of homesickness and frustration that I face.
The night of the election was far more bountiful in online news-reading in bed than any actual rest, as the time difference caused me to wait for the results until the wee hours of the morning before allowing myself to place my head on the pillow and close my eyes. Even considering the late hour of my repose, I awoke while the house was still asleep, too excited to lie still any longer. Instead, pancakes and cookies became my cathartic release of enthusiastic celebration for America's future, the one that I voted for.
The evening came to a quiet close with Marie's mother present for a visit, and I was invited to go out for a few hours of music, conversation, and cocktails with new friends. My return home was just before one, and I slipped into cozy pajamas and ate a bowl of cereal in front of the computer.
My mom and I had been talking about the possibility of her paying a visit to me for Thanksgiving, seeing as the family would like to continue celebrating the America holiday they so enjoyed during their time in New York, and my mother has the typical school vacation time off for the big day. Soon after mentioning to Marie, telling her that the main obstacle is financial, she checked out the price of the flight for herself and offered to split the cost in exchange for a lesson on cooking a traditional Thanksgiving dinner! I immediately sent a message to my mom, and she told me that she wouldn't know for sure until the next day, which was last night. She is officially booking an overnight flight for the Tuesday before the big day, and will arrive in Paris to visit, cook, and enjoy with me and my fabulous French family.
I am truly one of the lucky ones.

All At Once

I'm in Paris, with a million and twelve thoughts racing through my being, and searching for the words to express all of them. It's exciting, and I'm learning a lot, about everything.
About people, about the French government, about European cultures, about fashion, about language, and about who I am through who I know I am not. I'm not some ugly un-educated American, and I'm not a graceful and put-together Parisian either. I don't keep regular schedules, I'm selfish with my teddy bear, and I always want to fix everything. It's not much, what I know for sure, but it's something, and I'm able to find some solace in the quiet hours spent alone, with my diary, when I can openly admit to everything, getting to know myself.
During the this time of learning, I'm also doing a lot. My last visit to the prefecture was disappointing, and I'm starting to take the idea of writing a book about all the things no one ever tells you seriously...
Also, school's been going well, for the most part, in spite of my eternal hatred towards my alarm clock and my constant battle with the snooze button. This past weekend, I went on an excursion to Bourgogne with the school. I learned a lot about wine, made new friends, saw how gorgeous the countryside vineyards truly are, and started planning a trip to Amsterdam with one of the girls I met. It was a fabulous mini-vacation, and the girl who I shared a room with is going to go up the Eiffel Tower with me tomorrow. Both socially and psychologically, it was exactly what I needed.
The first half of this week was exhausting, and I worked a lot, but today, I finally have a couple of hours just for myself to do all the little things that are always there, or to do absolutely nothing. Things are going in a promising direction, and my weekend is looking fabulous: No classes tomorrow (Friday) morning, drinks after work with a girl from school, being a huge tourist and going up the Eiffel Tower Saturday, and our departure for Rome Sunday morning.
Honestly, I have no idea what to expect in Rome, how much I'll work, or what I'll get to see, but none of that really matters to me, not now. Simply knowing that I'll rest my head in one of the world's most beautiful cities for a whole week is more than enough for me.
It's strange, how, last week I felt as though my new world was about to crash in on me, and how, right now, it seems to be opening up to me. All of the annoying, horrible, beautiful, wonderful, confusing, fabulous things and events are happening all at once.

Recent Highlights

I've been getting things done lately. I got the last of my voting papers in the mail, and completed and shipped them immediately, and worked on my self-assigned to-do list. It's half done, which is a huge accomplishment for me! It included things like sewing a few minor tears in clothing, getting myself set up with a cell phone, and getting my mini-fridge stocked with healthy snacks. All of my initial paperwork is pretty much done, and I'm just waiting for my year-long subway pass to come in the mail, and get my official application for my residency permit taken care of, which I should be able to do on Friday morning.
It feels really good to prove to myself that I really can do all of this, on my own, without anyone else having to coax me along my way. Sometimes, I even get up in the morning WITHOUT hitting the snooze button, and if you know me well, you know what a huge accomplishment it is that I can be responsible at 6 am! Even though I don't enjoy following through with all the responsible things that I know I should do, I'm forcing myself to do them, knowing that it will (hopefully) be worth it afterwards.
With school starting, I feel like I know what to expect a little bit more. My schedule and the course outlines are definite and given, and the people there are in similar situations as I am, and I can meet people easily. I haven't hung out with anyone yet, but I just got my phone Monday and figured out how to use it properly and what my access codes are today, so I can exchange numbers with the girls I've been talking to tomorrow, and see if we can do something this weekend. I'm probably going to the American Church again on Sunday, too.
My classes themselves are going to teach me a lot, I think. I'm studying, even though I don't technically have to, to make sure I absorb as much of the language as possible. My history class is more difficult than I expected, and I'm the youngest person in both classes, so I think I have less experience than most of the others. Still, my work ethic is strong, and I'm making sure it stays strong, and I'm hoping that will help me catch up. I started reading a children's guide to French history, taking notes on the words I don't know as well as the major things that I think might be important. My hope is that it will simultaneously improve my vocabulary and give me a basic understanding of the history, which is a really important part of the culture here.
Most of what's been going on with me here has been more internal than cultural, like my revolutionary change in the level of self-discipline I use and the baby steps I'm taking to be the person I want to become. Sure, the language and cultural understanding have been gradually making process, but it's the self-discovery that's consuming me the most lately. My journal is already half full of my many contemplations and questionings about what's important and what and who it is that I'm being molded into... which I have decided is a good thing.
For my final note, let me share with you the short and interesting conversation I had with Laurent a few hours ago:
I was watching a dubbed Grey's Anatomy rerun in my room, finishing up some writing for the evening, and he knocked on my door. When I opened it, he asked me for my date of birth, and told me that they were ordering tickets for the family vacation at the end of the month. First, he commented on how young I am, which he apparently hadn't really realized prior to hearing me say "1990," and then told me "We've decided to go to Rome." Then he said goodnight and closed the door.
I'm going to ROME! Okay, I'll be baby-sitting in Rome while the rest of the family does adult-like things every night, but, I'm still going to Rome! I'd casually mention it, like Laurent did, but I'm a young, poor, excited American who's just starting to get out of the country, and I get to go to Rome, and without having to worry about how to pay for it!

ROME! That's a super-happy thought! :-)

Take Note!

I added a few links to my sidebar -->
I'll be putting my photos into the photobucket, which you can click on and check out at any given time! I'm uploading as I type... so all the pics from Oldenburg to Paris are going up. Eventually, they'll even be organized and stuff, too!

What I'm Learning From All This...

Okay, so, I'm in the most beautiful city I've ever seen and have always dreamed of with a wonderful host family, surrounded by people who are very kind and considerate of me, regardless of how little we know of each other. I'm one of the lucky ones, and yet, culture shock and homesickness seem to enter my new life with great ease. The lack of comforts I know, in combination with all the abundance of unfamiliar details surrounding me, has absolutely overwhelmed me at times. The different bed , new schedule, language barrier, and all the minor changes in culture and lifestyle all add up in exciting and overwhelming ways I've never before experienced, somehow simultaneously more inspiring and more frustrating than everything else I can remember.
And you know what's been happening inside my mind while all this has been going on? I've over-thought, over-emoted, and over-reacted over the negative side of things, and let myself sit and cry and eat too much junk food, trying to sleep as late as possible every morning because sleep is comforting, and facing each day is exhausting. Oftentimes, it's also incredibly exhilarating, however, as a "morgenmuffel" (the German term for a person who is very grumpy in the mornings,) I am almost never positive about anything throughout the entire "waking up" part of my day, and stress makes me an even bigger morgenmuffel. Then, at the end of the day, I can't get myself to sleep and I end up spending too much time making online contact with my American life, eating chocolate on the laptop, and working myself up over the things I should have done after it's far too late at night to do anything about it!
And, you know what I should have done all this time? Sucked up the anxiety and perpetual hatred of my alarm clock, gotten out of the house, and gone out to accomplish something every day. Going to international places, such as the American Church in Paris and the University of Paris, and introducing myself to new places and attending workshops are things I should have started doing my first week here. It wasn't until yesterday that I went to the American Church, and there, I was welcomed and met a group of college students that I had a lot in common with, and really enjoyed being around. If I had done that three weeks ago, my weekends could have felt a lot less lonely. Then, this morning, while waiting to meet with some one about obtaining my residency permit, I read about weekend programs and meetings for college students to get together and work on art and poetry, and things like that. Why didn't I go to the university's international office and look for things like that in the beginning? Also, I read about how having a regular sleep schedule and nighttime and morning routines takes a lot of stress off your body and makes you feel more rested and energized every day. I'm sure I knew that, but why didn't I acknowledge this before?
Plus, I felt like a lost American that no one knows what to do with ALL MORNING. I spent many hours searching various offices in the city, all of which I was referred to by the previous office, until I ultimately ended up waiting in line to talk to a woman who told me that I need to get more papers, and go through a long application process. Lesson learned there? Patience, planning, allotting extra time, and drinking lattes are all very useful tools when it comes to handling official international affairs. I am incredibly appreciative of my visa not running up for a couple more months right now. Between this and the constant complications and extra things I had to go through before I got here with papers, forms, certificates, translations, my visa, registrations, etc., I think I should write a guide on how to do this, and begin by telling the world not to expect a cake walk and to allot themselves at least six months before their departure to gather all their papers and go through all the applications and registrations. If I ever do something like this again, I'm definitely going to be more efficient, and I'm going to try and get a long-stay visa a couple months before I leave America.
So, I guess there is a sort of moral to my estranged tale. When we go after something, we need to make preparations and use wise planning, and then use the power we hold within us to endure through all of the inevitable complications we encounter. And, ultimately, we need to realize the importance of truly making the best of our situations, which is not an easy task by any means. Sometimes, we literally need to force ourselves to and force ourselves to make the best of our situation no matter how many seemingly legitimate reasons and excuses we can think of to sit in bed and sulk.

Evening's Reflection

From the second step beyond my quaint entry door, I breathe deeply, and take the time to notice the swirling details of the ironwork surrounding me. The ambient light causes the sky to appear in a delicate violet hue. The air is crisp, but mild, and I take a moment to savor each sip from my glass before allowing it glide down my throat. The first of the fallen leaves move with me as I move, and the man next door returns to his home for the evening.
After years of longing for and awaiting this place, I finally feel the beginning of my dream unfold, with the final taste of Le Vin Rose lingering on my tongue during the quiet moment where I let the breeze flow past me for an extra second longer.

Long week, short update

So, this week has been... eventful. I registered for classes, starting October second, met with the organization representative, worked a few extra hours, went jogging a few times, met all the grandparents of the Bouyoux's, shopped for a lot of things I needed, and a few things I didn't, and learned the secret of bathing a little boy.
The trick is to have a lot of fun playing in the tub for ten minutes, especially with soldiers and other little toy people, and then, after the little soldiers do something really cool, you say, "Now that they worked so hard, they need a bath." Then, you run the soap over a them, and tell the little boy it's his turn. Upon making this discovery, I felt incredibly brilliant. Three out of three times that I did it, it worked. The third time, he WANTED to take a bath so we could play with the soldiers on their battleships ...and then wash up. MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT! Feel free to steal the idea if you're ever in the same boat.
Mostly, I've been with Etienne, jogging, going through the motions of meeting with all the appropriate people, and buying things I need, like an alarm clock. Yesterday, I made two wonderful discoveries: one, art supplies are crazy cheap in Paris; and two, there is a breathe-taking park a few blocks from here with lakes and an awesome waterfall. This is where I will go jogging from here on out.
Other than that, I'm just trying to make my room feel like I live in it, with vintage cabaret posters that I bought for five euro a piece out of an old man's wagon, and soon with the paintings of ballerina silhouettes that I'm working on.
And now? It's almost midnight, tomorrow's Monday morning (ick!) and I need to catch some shut-eye.
<3

Paris: The First Week

Since taking off last Tuesday on an overnight plane, it's been an adventure!
At first, I didn't go anywhere exciting or see any of the great monuments in the city. I went from the airport to the house Wednesday afteroon, via the most impressive car I've ever actually sat in, care of Laurent's company.
Then, I met all of the family again, (I met them in New York in July,) at their amazing old house, full of inspiring architecture and cathedral ceilings. There's Marie, the mother; Laurent, the father; Guilliaume, Regis, and Xavier, the big brothers; and Etienne, the little boy I traveled across the ocean to care for. He's three and a half, full of energy and emotions, loves trucks, and hates baths.
After getting to know them and figuring out my place in the family and with Etienne, the weekend arrived, as well as my first payment. The first thing I did was take myself into the heart of the city on the Metro, their exceptionally clean and efficient subway system, and buy shoes. They are tall, purple, and awesome! After that, I had a coffee and a crepe at a cafe with a great view, reading through my guide book in search of where to go for the rest of the day. When I realized that I was less than two blocks from the Notre Dame, my decision became brilliantly clear.
My camera and I thoroughly took in as many of the intricately designed details as we could, and then sat in one of the many breathe-taking gardens to just look at it all, realize that I'm actually here. A lot of walking, pictures, being hit on by a cab driver, and looking at the art along the Seine, I decided to cross the beloved river and take a walk through the Jardin des Touleries -- a gorgeous park/garden next to the Louvre. Once I arrived on the other side, I walked under the archway leading to the Louvre, sat down on the nearest bench, and found myself drawn to tears at the shear beauty of it all.
I didn't go in, as the lines were awful and I had decided to get a museum pass anyway. The office of tourism gave me some great free guides and pamphlets about all of the main attractions, as well as the pass that I came for. They were very nice to me, as well as everyone else in the city, as a matter of fact.
That whole reputation that the French have about hating Americans is not true, at least, not for me. Most of the people who walked by and noticed me also smiled at me, and, when I tried to speak the language and was polite, they were more than happy to welcome me to the city, and quite a few offered to speak English to me. If they didn't speak English, which I prefer, because practice is how I learn best, they spoke more clearly and slowly for me, happily using their time and patience to communicate with me.
On the whole, I'm happy here. Sure, I'll have a moment where I wish the little boy liked baths and sitting still as much as he likes racing hot-wheels and kicking soccer balls, but I think that's normal. Today is the first day that I've been a little homesick, but even that is not so bad. Etienne keeps me busy, and Marie is happy to talk to me while I help her do things when he's asleep or at school. Plus, I can call home when ever I want. I don't, because calling all the time would make it worse, I think, but just knowing that the opportunity is there for me to take is a great comfort.
There are plenty of other things that I could write about for hours, but I'm sure that this will suffice. On one final note, here's a happy thought that I discovered at class registration today:
I get to see the Eiffel Tower every single day on my way to and from school. :-D

Moving Day: American Girl Goes to Paris

The laundry is almost finished, the errands have all been run, and good-byes have all been said. The list of things to do before my departure is diminishing before my eyes, and the passing time is being replaced by growing nerves and anxiety.
In my hopes and dreams, Paris will be wonderful, and feel like home in no time. In reality, I fear that there are far too many unpredictable people and events for me to ever feel like I even know what I'm doing, nevermind where I belong.
Marie, my host mother, gave me a call to let me know that her husband's company car will be picking me up at the terminal in Charles de Gualle, and let me know that my room is ready. They are awaiting my arrival.
It will be a day of new beginnings for us all, as the family only returned and began to unpack two days ago, and tomorrow is the first day of school. It will be my first French airport, my first day in Paris, and my first day of living with the Bouyoux's. This is also the first week of the father's work since their seven week (seriously, SEVEN week) summer vacation, and the mother's first week living in her old home again.
There are a lot of firsts taking place at the moment, and, in spite of all the doubts and worries residing within me, I couldn't possibly be more excited to say that I am going to Paris!

Fond Memories with the Pontenagel Family

In the very beginning, as I left Logan Airport, I was trying desperately to calm my nerves and focus on the many positive aspects of the future, in spite of all that was worrying me. My parents and I said our good-byes once I had checked my luggage and gotten my boarding pass, and they waved to me as I went through security. Once I was on the other side, I slid my sandals back on and took a deep breathe.
The flight was fine, at first, and then my nerves met my stomach and it was a very messy connection process, ending with me passing out on the second flight before the plane even began its take-off. When I awoke, we were minutes within landing, and I finally felt as though everything would be alright. After an easy baggage claim, I turned to see Nina and her parents waiting for me just outside the terminal.
From then on, everything has been consistently wonderful. Barbara, the mother, has proven herself to be one of the most compassionate and understanding people I have ever had the privilege of encountering, and the rest of the family has welcomed me with a whole heart. I enjoyed the nights I spent with Nina and her friends in various clubs downtown, but even more so have I enjoyed reconnecting with her on our own little nights spent at home.
The language barrier has caused me only a small amount of grief on a select few occasions, however, I have a lovely "translator" with me, which makes everything a whole lot easier. Aside from that, and missing my lovely American bagels, this whole trip has been one grand adventure.
I have been downtown to sight-see and enjoy the nightlife, as well as venturing into the magnificent little castle, maintained to perfection, that resides in this fabulous city. I shopped for both modern clothes and little Dutch shoes in Holland, and visited a couple of quaint old villages that were absolutely awe-inspiring.
To provide you with a small glimpse into this incredible place, here is a description of the old knight's village I visited in Bourtange, Holland, as told in an email I sent to Trisha:
"...a mote with a wooden bridge, original windmill, cobblestone streets and paths, gardens everywhere, adorable old houses that are now museums, restaurants, and the like... and they were setting up for a Medieval-style market. Visions of Dutch milkmaids and knights tending to their horses while a maiden is buying eggs off a cart in an old man's garden flooded my mind. THIS is one of the places where fantasies relish, because REAL knights in shining armour actually did once roam the same streets that I walked over with my camera ready-in-hand. This is where servants had affairs with their lords, horses ran wild, and children churned butter in blue aprons."
In addition to these elusive sites, I also visited some of the glorious modern cities. In Cloppenburg, I visited the house of Barbara's mother, "Oma," where we sat at a perfect blue and white table by the rosebushes, sipping tea and enjoying sweet confections and each other's company. In Bremen, I learned a few of the histories and legends amidst the stunning architecture. In Oldenburg, Nina's hometown, I have taken up riding a bicycle once more, and ridden to some nearby lakes past the vast cornfields. Earlier today, we paid a visit to the North Sea and got our feet all muddy. We washed them off and continued through the beach stands and cafes until we got a table overlooking the shoreline, where we ate small cakes with coffee.
The food and the drinks here are definitely something to remember. From the Belgian cheese and Nutella, (not together, though,) to the traditional dishes, such as kassler mit sauerkraut, schnitzel, and, my personal favorite, schpätzle, it is all quite delectable. Schpätzle sounds like a rather fancy word, and the way that Johannas, Nina's dad, made the pasta also looked fancy... but when I saw it on my plate, it looked like an exceptionally messy version of macaroni and cheese. The sight of it, however, is no way to judge this über taste homemade pasta dish.
Now that I have spent half of a paragraph talking about noodles, it is time for me to end my tale of Dutch and German adventures. In the morning, I have to say good-bye to the Pontenagels and the world they have so warmly introduced me to, and return to America for however long it takes for me to obtain my visa for Paris, where I hope to be on my way to at this time next week.
Until then, I must take a break from Europe and all its splendour...

Unofficial beginning

Although I am not yet living in Paris, and am still not finished with my Visa and documents, I feel as though I have just started my new beginning.
At the moment, I am in the office/makeshift guest room of Nina's house, lounging around with a new book and my teddy bear. I find myself thinking about, and sincerely questioning, where I stand and what it is that lies before me.
I finally graduated, I had a wonderful year hosting Nina as an exchange student, I learned so much more about myself, and just how much I don't know, than I would have ever thought I could learn in one year. I actually completed the majority of the list of goals I had for myself, which never happens, and I gained a perspective of who I am in relation to the person I hope to become. I even got back some of the optimism that I lost throughout the process if living in high school angst.
After an exciting and exhausting summer of work, play, and late nights with friends and ice cream, it's all winding down. My class, the family I grew so fond of over the past three years, is separating, and going off to study and live and learn in different places. I am far away from them, and that's a bit frightening. At the moment, there is literally an ocean between us.
So now, here I am. It's just me for a while, a me that's always changing and wondering. It's fantastic to be here, and to think about, but it makes me a little nervous. It was so exciting to see Nina again, meet her wonderful family, take hundreds of pictures, buy little Dutch shoes in Holland, go to a club in downtown Oldenburg for my eighteenth birthday, and start riding a bike again... But now that it's just me for a little while, I'm realizing that the amazement of it all is going to fade, the train-rides and new countries will become things that I take for granted, and soon, I am going to have a whole life over here.
It's wonderful and exciting and glorious, but at the same time, it scares me. What if, once the shimmer wears away, I don't like it? What happens when I feel as though I'm more lost than I have ever been? Who will be there when I don't know if I can really do it, and all I want to do is cry and find a familiar face? What if it isn't all that I dreamed of, and the lights turn into nothing but glare and all the romance and naive hopes dwindle... then what?

It certainly is all new, and definitely the beginning of something. I'm mostly optimistic, and very much looking forward to the next year, but today, for some reason, I can't help but let my doubts get to me as I take off on this unofficial new beginning.