I've been in my room, restless with anxiety into the wee hours of the morning, and about the city, from Disneyland to bars and dance clubs. Regardless of my location, I've yet to be able to get some sleep prior to three am, and I end up skipping classes because I know that I'll never be able to catch any real shut-eye otherwise. One moment, I'm excited as a little kid in Disney with new friends, no parents, and the week's pay in my bag, and another moment I'm absolutely convinced that I'm about to burst at the seams I'm falling apart so fast. Then I meet some one to share pasta and frustrations with, and it's a little more bearable -- until I'm all alone again.
That's just how it's been.
Fortunately, I have some really great parents out there who let me vent to them at all hours, and my crazy/wonderful mother is about to join me on this side of the Atlantic in less than twelve hours. I believe this to be a very positive event, and also one which I'm hoping will bring me out of this awful slump and make me feel much more worth-while and much less restless.
"Finish each day and be done with it…You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Absolute Insanity
Sore throat, some very long days, making plans, and experiencing the widest range of emotions possible. For a single instant, I feel pure bliss, but before the moment even gets a fighting chance, it becomes a fleeting feeling chased away by growing anxiety. Even when I stop to think on all my good fortune, my mind does not cease its stirring.
The night before last, it all hit me. All those who've been through an experience like this, they gave me a fair warning about how hard and suddenly the new reality comes crashing down, with no warning. I can't describe it, but now I know what they were speaking of.
I'm a fortunate girl, but all to often a lonely and confused one, who questions and ponders absolutely everything. More than anything else, I question myself. I came here to discover a life away from what I know, and find myself trying desperately to rediscover what I thought I knew. Ultimately, I am a person who thinks and explores, but who can rarely say that she truly knows.
The night before last, it all hit me. All those who've been through an experience like this, they gave me a fair warning about how hard and suddenly the new reality comes crashing down, with no warning. I can't describe it, but now I know what they were speaking of.
I'm a fortunate girl, but all to often a lonely and confused one, who questions and ponders absolutely everything. More than anything else, I question myself. I came here to discover a life away from what I know, and find myself trying desperately to rediscover what I thought I knew. Ultimately, I am a person who thinks and explores, but who can rarely say that she truly knows.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Recent Adventures
From the Eiffel Tower and the Sistine Chapel to running around Paris with friends and making plans with family, not to mention getting all hyped up over the election, I have had an abundance of adventures throughout the short time frame of a mere two weeks.
My Saturday in Paris was practically perfect. It began with a late morning, long shower, and a couple of hours that seemed to exist for the sole purpose of my private enjoyment. After donning a fabulous and fashionable attire well-suited for perusing the city streets, I did a little down-town shopping and met Carla and Laura at the metro to ascend the most iconic symbol of Paris. It was exciting, with a view that was slightly fogged but stunning nevertheless. Following our decent was a trip to Starbucks, where I enjoyed my first mocha and cheesecake in many months, and then checked out the rest of the shopping center it was located in. We ended the evening with spaghetti, coffee, and one of my favorite movies in my little apartment.
It was the first time that I've had anyone over to my place here, and it made me thoroughly appreciate having my own space to come in and go out as I please, separate from the ongoings of the rest of the house, where I can cook, bathe, and play hostess in my own space. I truly believe that I'm one of the lucky ones.
After the girls left for the night, I finished my laundry and packing for Rome, and took off the next morning with the family. The place we stayed was very comfortable, and the sights were some of the most beautiful that one could expect to see in an entire lifetime. I babysat for a very large percentage of my time there, as expected, but I had the great fortune of seeing the Roman Forum, Colosseum, Vatican, Sistine Chapel, and countless basilicas. In addition, the Italian architecture on any given street is straight out of an old Hollywood film, lush with greenery and life on every corner of the narrow stone streets, and a starving musician in front of a bistro never far away.
I am now certain that I am one of the lucky ones.
The past days have been long but rewarding, and I'll forever cherish the memories in the making of tickle-war laughter and and smiling faces smothered in maple syrup. The brief moments of pure bliss when I feel the warmth of a toddler next to me, smiling at the tales of Dr. Suess, or when I find myself going back in time and playing monsters without any inhibitions, are by far worth every second of homesickness and frustration that I face.
The night of the election was far more bountiful in online news-reading in bed than any actual rest, as the time difference caused me to wait for the results until the wee hours of the morning before allowing myself to place my head on the pillow and close my eyes. Even considering the late hour of my repose, I awoke while the house was still asleep, too excited to lie still any longer. Instead, pancakes and cookies became my cathartic release of enthusiastic celebration for America's future, the one that I voted for.
The evening came to a quiet close with Marie's mother present for a visit, and I was invited to go out for a few hours of music, conversation, and cocktails with new friends. My return home was just before one, and I slipped into cozy pajamas and ate a bowl of cereal in front of the computer.
My mom and I had been talking about the possibility of her paying a visit to me for Thanksgiving, seeing as the family would like to continue celebrating the America holiday they so enjoyed during their time in New York, and my mother has the typical school vacation time off for the big day. Soon after mentioning to Marie, telling her that the main obstacle is financial, she checked out the price of the flight for herself and offered to split the cost in exchange for a lesson on cooking a traditional Thanksgiving dinner! I immediately sent a message to my mom, and she told me that she wouldn't know for sure until the next day, which was last night. She is officially booking an overnight flight for the Tuesday before the big day, and will arrive in Paris to visit, cook, and enjoy with me and my fabulous French family.
I am truly one of the lucky ones.
My Saturday in Paris was practically perfect. It began with a late morning, long shower, and a couple of hours that seemed to exist for the sole purpose of my private enjoyment. After donning a fabulous and fashionable attire well-suited for perusing the city streets, I did a little down-town shopping and met Carla and Laura at the metro to ascend the most iconic symbol of Paris. It was exciting, with a view that was slightly fogged but stunning nevertheless. Following our decent was a trip to Starbucks, where I enjoyed my first mocha and cheesecake in many months, and then checked out the rest of the shopping center it was located in. We ended the evening with spaghetti, coffee, and one of my favorite movies in my little apartment.
It was the first time that I've had anyone over to my place here, and it made me thoroughly appreciate having my own space to come in and go out as I please, separate from the ongoings of the rest of the house, where I can cook, bathe, and play hostess in my own space. I truly believe that I'm one of the lucky ones.
After the girls left for the night, I finished my laundry and packing for Rome, and took off the next morning with the family. The place we stayed was very comfortable, and the sights were some of the most beautiful that one could expect to see in an entire lifetime. I babysat for a very large percentage of my time there, as expected, but I had the great fortune of seeing the Roman Forum, Colosseum, Vatican, Sistine Chapel, and countless basilicas. In addition, the Italian architecture on any given street is straight out of an old Hollywood film, lush with greenery and life on every corner of the narrow stone streets, and a starving musician in front of a bistro never far away.
I am now certain that I am one of the lucky ones.
The past days have been long but rewarding, and I'll forever cherish the memories in the making of tickle-war laughter and and smiling faces smothered in maple syrup. The brief moments of pure bliss when I feel the warmth of a toddler next to me, smiling at the tales of Dr. Suess, or when I find myself going back in time and playing monsters without any inhibitions, are by far worth every second of homesickness and frustration that I face.
The night of the election was far more bountiful in online news-reading in bed than any actual rest, as the time difference caused me to wait for the results until the wee hours of the morning before allowing myself to place my head on the pillow and close my eyes. Even considering the late hour of my repose, I awoke while the house was still asleep, too excited to lie still any longer. Instead, pancakes and cookies became my cathartic release of enthusiastic celebration for America's future, the one that I voted for.
The evening came to a quiet close with Marie's mother present for a visit, and I was invited to go out for a few hours of music, conversation, and cocktails with new friends. My return home was just before one, and I slipped into cozy pajamas and ate a bowl of cereal in front of the computer.
My mom and I had been talking about the possibility of her paying a visit to me for Thanksgiving, seeing as the family would like to continue celebrating the America holiday they so enjoyed during their time in New York, and my mother has the typical school vacation time off for the big day. Soon after mentioning to Marie, telling her that the main obstacle is financial, she checked out the price of the flight for herself and offered to split the cost in exchange for a lesson on cooking a traditional Thanksgiving dinner! I immediately sent a message to my mom, and she told me that she wouldn't know for sure until the next day, which was last night. She is officially booking an overnight flight for the Tuesday before the big day, and will arrive in Paris to visit, cook, and enjoy with me and my fabulous French family.
I am truly one of the lucky ones.
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